I won't call it learning the hard way. I will just call it learning
I won't call it a harsh lesson, but I will call it a very good one and one which was well worth learning. We can never be too sure of the truth of other people unless and until we are willing to see in ourselves the thing in us which they reveal for us and about us.
I found out that...I have no reason for all the insecurities and that what I felt all these years was the insecurities of other people projected onto me, that when I want something I have to go through stuff with people so that I also know what I do not want...and I find that the things that I do not want are the very things that have taught me much. The most important of those things is that I now know that I will not do things with or for anyone whose measure of Soul is no where near mine. I cannot. I will not. I will no longer be giving away the best of me...no no no...I can't. I have been giving away the part of me that was for me, and I am no longer willing to allow the buffalo to trample my Tahitian Black Pearls of wisdom, of sense of self, of all that I am , all that I have ever been...
It isn't that I saw in myself things in these other people that I wanted to see there, but that I saw what I wanted to deny in myself. When I thought about it all more, I found out about me and I found out that yes, indeed, I am worth so much to myself, to anyone, than to be just one of the crowd. Where I thought I would be broken up the most I was not, and where I thought and believed about myself that this is what anyone deserves to be and more, that I believed that in a round about way, the things and events and people and ways of being that came to me just in these last 5 months alone have been harrowing, to say the least, but now that I am standing on this side of the road, so to speak, and seeing where I have been and knowing where I am going...well, it ain't so bad.
I see things in myself now, not that I look at and say "Well, I was okay with it so that must make it okay, period," but more now than ever in my lifetime I am prone to saying "Oh hell no!" I learned that I am not willing to take less than I deserve, and if what I deserve is to learn well, then that much I know I did. And I know that I am a great student - Dean's List 8 times in college - and by that alone I am told that I am somehow as brilliant as no one else will tell me I am but that I know, for real, for sure, that I have always been. Call me Vain, Egotistical, Arrogant, but it sure doesn't feel that way to know these things about me, and it is no one's place to judge me on it. I know these things about me, and I know that I needed to go through what I did so that I would know these things...ahhhh...Loveliness is formed in the most ugliest ways sometimes, but it is worth it...I was worth it...
The things that we see in others are very much alive in us. Whether we want to look at those things or not is our option, but whether or not we choose to change the way that we see who we are is up to us. I was shown, quite blatantly, in fact, and even though I didn't want to look at it, my very own fears of inadequacy, of those ways of being that scream at the world that I am somehow not good enough to have what I am most deserved of, what I am most desirous of, and it isn't what I thought it was, those things that I want and desire.
I say much of things Divinely Timed and Planned, and in my case lately, I am being shown those things which have been brought to me in the most Divinely Timed and Planned way and more than that, it seems, overnight I have also been granted the pass, if you will, to see that indeed, if this were a test, of anything at all, I passed. In fact, I passed with flying colors. I, overnight, figured out that there are things about me that used to be true, but those things are not the truth of me anymore, and while it took me a trek on the Scenic Route, the fact remains that I learned something of value for myself and that anymore now the world in which I live seems to be a bit brighter for me now. That is what this New Moon in Libra was about, at least for me, to bring about the balance that I was so very desirous of, and here it is.
I can "See" my Self, finally, and it is a brilliant Self, and it only took me 42 years to get here, but here I am -bright, shiny, maybe not new, but I feel that way. I feel that way because throughout the night I was given insights as to who I am for real, and who I am for real is so far removed from the thing that I thought I was, that I thought I wanted, than I thought, period. I was told that once I got here, which is where I needed to be, that I would be not so well inclined to move in a backward motion, because, in short, I am no longer needed where I am no longer needed, and in that manner, I am alive.
I am alive in the idea that I am not now nor shall I ever be and neither have I been willing to be, the one person who people can come to anymore when they are seeking energetic renewal without the idea that there needs to be some sort of exchange in that manner - no longer, I find, is my Soul willing to be convenient, and no longer is it okay for the walking-the-crust-of-the-earth-me to be, either. You see, there are only so many times in life that we are given to learning, and this one was a good learning experience for me, even though it was painful from time to time. None the less, with a little help from my friends and even more from my Guides, here I am...
Here I am, having been through a whole lot in a relatively short period of time, and here I am, completely new and feeling as though I came through this unscathed. And I say it this way because the choices made by me in these last 8 hours have been the kind that the Universe has been waiting for me to make and while She waited I learned, like the good little student that I am and have always been, that not only am I worth way more than I am giving Me credit for, but that I am way more than only what meets the eyes, and that alone is worth what little itty bitty bit of pain it was that I had to experience. When I think about it a bit more, it wasn't really pain as much as it was a lesson.
I found out that while I may be who I am, who I am does not fit all of the people, all of the time. I am obscure in the way that I see things, abstract in my thoughts, and while that might not be okay for a lot of people, it is the only way that I am able to be for me and I'll tell you this much - I won't apologize for it. I won't be wrong for who I am or wanting what I want and Desire and I learned in these last few hours the beauty that is moving forward.
We cannot make other people see us for who we truly are, warts and all, and it is especially the truth in my case, gigantic Soul, and all. When the question was asked of me as to the reason why I tend to give off the impression of being "intimidating," it was at that point that I needed to ask one of my Spirit Teachers why it is that people seem to turn away from me right when they are beginning to see their own Light. His answer was brilliant and right and hoped for and confirming...he told me that it was not me, not my issue to deal with and not for me to hang on to anymore. He told me that I would be doing myself no favors by continuing to see to it that other people see what is so blatantly there. It isn't my responsibility to be the Light in the darkness of those who are preferring the comfort of what they believe is the way for them because of one reason or another. It isn't my bag to carry if someone else just cannot see me for who I really am, and more, if they are seeing me for who I really am and cannot figure out the reason why they are both drawn and repelled.
Whatever it is that they are feeling, that part no longer matters, because I woke up knowing for sure that this is the right Path, that I have learned, and that yay me...the best is yet to come!!
When you wake up ...I mean really wake up to Who You Are and Your Own Truths...the world is a much, much kinder place to be in...
I Love You All !!
ROX
Reverend Roxanne Cottell is the Kumu Hula and Creator of the Spiritual Hula Program for Women and the Co-Founder of Na Hula O Ka Wahine 'Ui. She is a blogger, book author, choreographer and Spiritual Adviser. To contact Roxanne for information about the Spiritual Hula Program for Women or information regarding private hula or Spiritual Guidance sessions with her feel free to send her an email.
(c) 2012 Roxanne K. Cottell. All Rights Reserved.
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