We know it is time to celebrate, so why all the tears?
"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...you would cry too if it happened to you..." (Lesley Gore)
I don't even want to talk about this feeling I have right now. However, because I am not the only one who this is happening to, I also know that on some level that there is a purpose, at least for me, to have to go through the ridiculous crap that I go through. I used to think that I went through these things for other people, and because I thought this way, I blamed them for the way that I felt, even though I was who hung onto it all. The reality is that what is happening to and within me is also happening to and within the people closest to me, and in that same manner, this is also true for you and yours.
While I very dearly Love what it is that I do with my life, there are times that things begin to get very overwhelming, to the point where I just need to no longer be the one who people turn to. It doesn't last very long, the not being the one who people turn to, but when I need someone to turn to, I find that in the same group that I hang with, those people are also going through what it is that I am going through, and we are going through it at the very same time. There is a whole lot of change going on right now, and for a whole lot of people who are not clued into the energies, it can be daunting. For those of us who are clued in, even as we know how daunting it is, and even as we have been telling everyone within our reach that this is the part that we waited for, but that this is also the most difficult part of all, to have to wait for the things that we see coming our way. We cannot see what is happening because we are so inclined to purge the ugliness from the things that have happened to us in our pasts that the only thing we can do and feel right now is the pain.
The pain comes from a lot of things, even from the things that we think are not going to cause us any sort of pain. Light workers Love everyone, and with that Love we have for everyone is also the disappointment. Couple that with the losses and the break ups and the things that make us feel awful and feel like we are somehow not right with people (but the truth is that we are actually absolutely in line with what we all need to be in line with ) and what you have in your midst is a reason to sing "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to..."
We can see the things that no longer need to be in our lives, and with a swiftness we also know that there are some who we can depend on, some who will give the energy that they can be depended on, and others who, for the very life of them cannot see anyone else's pain at all. That, or they see it and they just do not realize that their not wanting to help deal with it in others only robs them of what they need, and what they need is that experience of truly having been a healer to another person. They miss their cues, their clues, and they continue on blindly, behaving as though they have all the clue in the world when in reality, there is still a lot of work they need to do, not on anyone else other than themselves. Yes, this applies to MANY healers, and in some cases and on some days, my very self.
Even healers and strong Shaman need other people - without other people we have no mirror, no clue as to what and who we are and where it is that we need some help. We all know that on some level we each need a little bit of help, all need someone or a few someones there to tell us that everything is going to be okay and that what we are going through is nothing abnormal. It is not abnormal until we are ready to see to it that way. It is not abnormal until we are not willing to look at what it is we have put out there and where it is that we need to be. It is not until we have gone for a little while without a corresponding energy that we realize that we are on the verge of something bigger than we expected. The thing is, we have to expect only what we can handle. A lot of people are perplexed at the idea that there is an equal and "other than good" to every "good" and that right now, even in this moment, we are going through it.
It is that weird pain...the one that you cannot quite place your finger on, the one that feels like somehow by the end of your day you are going to give birth to that thing in the last sci-fi alien movie you watched. It is that pain that you know is teaching you something, and the pain that makes you take a second look at the things, situations and people in our lives and ask ourselves if we somehow can escape it. The best, most honest and quick answer is no...no we cannot avoid it, and no it will not feel good, and no, you will not learn without it in your face and if it is in your face, at that point you need to really take a good look at what it is that YOU need to think about in the situation. I have lost a lot...a whole lot, and I still stand to lose more. Some of it needs to be lost, and like others of late, the rest sucks to lose. In my case, I not only lose my possessions, but I also lose people. Sometimes it is by choice because I know it is the only way to no longer hurt, but more likely than not, it is through fate and what they need to learn that takes them from my life. This is not only about things that have happened this last week, but for MONTHS now. You can guarantee that at this point, I am feeling every bit like that three year old at her own birthday party who is told that she gets to have her piece of the birthday cake but that she has to wait til everyone else has theirs first.
And really, this is what has gone on for a long time, in the lives of the many, and all of us are asking the same question of Spirit - "Hey, Spirit...if I am so damned good, and if I deserve the life that I see and that I am building, and if these people or these things are meant to be a part of my life, why the hell does it hurt so much when the ones who are no longer purposeful have to go?"
It hurts so much not only because our egos want us to hang on to just one more person, or thing, or situation, but because we had hoped so dearly that we would not have to hurt again, that we would be able to have a break in between the painful situations, but that is not what happens. At all. What happens is that we go through what we will, hopefully we learn what we need to, and then we choose to not ever go through those same things again because now we can see those things coming our way. It is the foolish person who thinks that somehow, what you did in the past when this sort of situation came up to try to fix it, that you can try one more time and that this time it will work....it is insanity at its most pupule finest. Believing that we can fix what is wrong the old way and the way that never worked in the past causes one to be insane, and if you think you are not insane in trying to fix things the same way that didn't work in the past...go for it. Have at it, cookie...good luck with that, by the way.
We can carry the ire from the hurt, or we can learn from it and move forward. We can go on and on about what is not fair, but that is not going to get you anywhere that you have not already been. We can think of things in a way that we didn't in the past, and still have it in our hearts that we are going to be the ones who come out the victor in a pretend competition to find out who is better at trying to convince someone else that perhaps the thing that keeps coming back to hurt us is meant to be in our lives. While this might be technically true, what is also true is that we have the option to change things, have the opportunity to do things differently. We have a lot of options. Everyone knows what I have to say about the difference between options and choices, and the same is the truth here as well. We do not realize that eventually, if we are evolved enough, our lessons end up feeling right, like that which is hurting us is also teaching us and that which is teaching us is the salve to the wound left on our souls.
Like that child whose birthday was ruined by a person who did not think that the day was that child's, the person who did not see the important nature of that day and that cake and that which can now be called "ice cream soup," we grown ups also end up in a snit, end up feeling as though what we go through is for nothing. We know better. We know that things never remain the same, even though the more that they change the more they feel familiar. We know that for every tiny little thing that mars our souls, crushes our spirits a little more, breaks our hearts and makes us ache, that there is going to come a day when all of these things that seem like they are too much for us to handle are more like the knife which cut the cake in the first place - exacting and harsh, but needed in order that everyone can indeed have a piece of it. In our little three year old minds, though, all we know is that it is our birthday and that we have been told that we don't get to have a piece of the cake that is ours and that everyone else gets to have theirs first. When finally it is our turn, we find a mess of color and cake and frosting, mixed in an ooze that used to be our favorite flavor of ice cream and is now looking more like a puddle made up of our own broken heart and tears.
When we finally realize the specialness of ourselves, finally realize that without our existence there is no reason to even celebrate, this is when our time waiting for cake makes sense. While we were looking at our puddle and our multi-colored heart ache, into the room came another surprise, and this time it was all and only for us, piled high with our favorite toppings, with a big fat brownie and this time there is no puddle...just good ol' delightfulness, and this time?
This time it is all ours.
We do not realize that we have reasons to celebrate, that sometimes those reasons come with conditions that only have to be conditions until we accept that they don't need to be. When we can see through the eyes of the child within, and we can tell the child within that it is not our turn, but that when it is our turn, the outcome we end up with will be the best thing in the world to us.
While we wait and pine and hurt and be mad, Mother Goddess is there, always holding our hands, cutting the cake, and waiting to surprise us with things and events and people we never dreamed would be part of our awareness. While we wait and pine, Spirit is creating through us the life that we see, and then one day she surprises us with the best thing ever and suddenly, through our mother Spirit, we are shown by her what a gift we really are and that really, she has been there telling us this all along, even while our little heart was breaking into a million pieces....
...just like a good mom should...
I Love You All
ROX
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